- First, do your homework. The most challenging ceremonies for me to create were ones that the bride and/or groom had no vision for their ceremony. Months are spent planning the color scheme, food, decor, favors, music, flowers, guests, but only a few minutes on the ceremony (the purpose for the event). There are so many great websites out there and all you have to do is Google "Sample Wedding Vows" and you can get an idea of what kind of elements you like and don't like. This also includes the music during the ceremony. If you do not know what music to use, we can help you decide, but most officiants don't have musical experience and feel most comfortable when the music is pre-selected by the couple. Oh, and you don't have to write your own vows. I know it's romantic and heart-felt, but unless you're a writer and a performer repeating small phrases from your officiant will be all you can handle during the emotional climax of your wedding ceremony, AND THAT'S OK.
- Have an idea of how long you want the ceremony to be. Most states only require the "Do you...I do" and "By the power..." to be stated and that takes only a matter of seconds. We want to earn our fee, and could easily complete the ceremony with minimal inclusions, but we want this ceremony to be special to you and your significant other, and vows and pronouncement just don't seem to be very personal. Are there friends or family members you would like to include? Do you have a favorite Bible verse, poem, song? Will children (or pets) be involved? Does your ceremony site have a time limit? An experienced officiant can give you a rough estimate about how long the ceremony will last by what elements you would like to include. Keep in mind some elements may be dependent on the location of the ceremony. Some locations do not allow candles (some churches, museums, and protected wildlife areas) or flowers (some protected wildlife areas).
- If you don't have a planner or ceremony coordinator, experienced officiants can step in. Most brides I have worked with were on very tight budgets and could not afford any coordinators and I was happy to help explain the order of the service and guide the bridal party through the rehearsals. Planners and location coordinators prefer officiants to just "read what's on the page" and let them take care of the rest, but we are very capable of helping out (I've also been known to arrange flowers and last-minute cake decorating). If you would like us to run the rehearsal, please let us know in advance. Many of us have great resources and can even print out the order for the bridal party, if needed.
- We want to get to know you and your significant other. I always ask to meet with both parties on our first consultation so I can get a feel for your relationship. The best ceremonies usually include a story about the couple (how they met, got engaged, major challenges or triumphs), and we can't get that information from just one person. Remember each story has at least two versions, and we officiants like to hear both. Tell us about the theme of your wedding or what made you decide on your color scheme. A good officiant can incorporate other elements and choices about your wedding in the ceremony, which makes it even more personal.
- Finally, this is your day, make it your way. There are always going to be people that are disappointed with your choices in your wedding, but they are your choices to make. Let go of trying to please everyone when planning your wedding and go with your gut. No one likes to go to a wedding where the couple is so stressed-out it is clear they are not enjoying themselves. Weddings are for celebration, and we officiants are honored to be able to help you celebrate your commitment to one another.
Friday, March 19, 2010
As promised, I'm finally getting to post what every officiant wants you to know as a follow-up to my previous "What Most Officiants Don't Want You To Know."
Sunday, March 7, 2010
From my first posting, most of you know I've been on this journey rather sporadically for the past eight years, but have only seriously considered officiating as a profession for the past few months. I've been researching this career at length for the past month and have perused innumerable websites and blogs of other ministers, officiants, celebrants, or whatever title these people wish to use to set themselves apart from the herd (not ministers, etc. affiliated with a particular religion or institution). I've noticed some common threads woven throughout each of these sites. You won't find this info on any personal website or blog, but I think it's important for you to know about us.
- Most officiants were ordained over the internet. There are a few out there that attended a few trainings, but most are like me and were originally ordained to perform the ceremony of a close friend or relative. There are some that tout the ability to provide marriage licenses (basically a permission slip from the state that says you are allowed to get married), but that is because they attended a 6-hour training and paid a fee to be a notary. Any notary public can provide a license if they have the paperwork, but the filing process at your local courthouse is not extensive and not very inconvenient (and I'm from Los Angeles County!).
- We get our ideas for ceremonies in the same place you do - the internet. Sure, we read books and take classes, but we get most of our ideas from our past ceremonies and from other officiants that post their ceremonies or sample ceremonies on the internet. We live in a age where it is acceptable to incorporate cultural rites into the marriage ceremony that may or may not be familiar to us. The quickest and easiest way to learn about those rites is to jump on the internet and Google it (or Bing it, or Yahoo... you get the picture). We say we want your ceremony to be just yours, your way - but we will borrow ideas from previous ceremonies or colleagues to make your ceremony as seamless as possible - especially if you don't have a preference or idea about what you want for your ceremony. We borrow from others and ourselves because these ceremonies worked out well and we want yours to be successful, too.
- We're wedding vendors but hate to admit it. There's a reason you won't find many officiants at bridal fairs - we're not a very competitive bunch. If we were we'd be planners. We also realize our role in your special day is very minor compared to the rest of the planning, but we try to convey the significance of the ceremony nonetheless.
- We hope we're the only officiant you've interviewed so far, and will be the only you interview at all. Please see above about our lack of the competitive gene. And unless you found us on the internet or through the nearly extinct phone book, you were most likely referred to us by a friend or relative. We hope that friend or relative already sold us to you and you are meeting us to discuss the ceremony and get working (i.e. we're hired).
- We're nervous before the ceremony, too! No matter how many ceremonies we do, we get nervous before each one. The day we stop getting nervous is the day we need to find another profession because that is the day we stop caring. We care about your ceremony just as much as you do. We want everything to run smoothly and it is usually up to us to deal with any glitches with grace. I will usually say a small silent prayer before entering the ceremony and mentally go through everything daily until the rehearsal. We can't prepare for everything, but officiants know the weight of the emotional tone for the ceremony rests largely on our shoulders and we want it to be perfect, just like you do.